Few days ago, I told my mum that I felt this emptiness, this something that was missing inside me. I couldn’t figure it out I didn’t know what it was, I just prayed about it. Few days later, I attended Worship Central and the message by Tim Hughes struck a chord with me straightaway. By then only I realized somehow somewhat there was this one moment, that I totally forgot about my dreams. I’m surprised.

Perhaps life itself is holding me back from moving towards my dreams; moved on but aimlessly. Turning me away from wanting to be different for God and this desire, this passion just slowly fading away. Perhaps doubt is playing its role to test my faith. Making me confused on what is right and what is wrong, questioning the answers that I had in my mind. Just so much more needs to be done to build and strengthen this faith, this faith that will bring me through not only my presence, but also be reminded of my past and most importantly, my future.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. — Hebrews 12:1-3

Fixing my eyes on Jesus is the answer of my prayer. Now that I’ve found the missing piece in me, I promise myself to hold on to my dreams and keep going from now onwards. This song just tells it all.
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Recently, I feel like as if I don’t know how to blog anything happy anymore. So many that I can share, so many that I can recall, yet, I just don’t know where to start. But once, just once something unhappy happened, I can easily put them into words.

Perhaps Aelyn was right. Perhaps pain does leave scars much deeper than happiness can erase. Perhaps painful moment does weigh so much, until it only requires one to overtake our happy times. Or perhaps, those happy times just weren’t happy enough to make a lasting impression like those painful moments do. Perhaps.

Yesterday night, I was trying to blog something pleased. Just the very next second some unwanted incident happened and stopped me, I didn’t know how to continue anymore. I just felt that nowadays, things just keep going on and on, and even sem break is not putting me at ease. But I’m ok. I’m fine. If God intended these things to be happened in my life, I have faith that He’ll bring me through and I can surely bear, because He will never give us more than we can handle.

I’m not giving up yet. I just need a break but not sem break, an emotionally break perhaps. Somehow I rather start my uni soon so that I can keep myself busy and have no time to think too much. I’ve been keeping my emoness to the minimum these days, and I would say that God has really brought me to another level of life within these few months. Both mentally and spiritually. Through family and friends.

Perhaps pain isn’t so bad after all. Perhaps painful moment is meant to be weighed that much, until it only requires one to make us strong enough. Or perhaps, painful moment does make a lasting impression so that we can always remember Jesus, who went through so much more than we can ever fathom.

Still balancing my life. Still staying strong. Still loving God each day.

I don’t understand why it turned to be this way.
I thought I’ve found the joy but now it’s taking it away.
I thought I could handle it but now it’s telling me otherwise.
I feel so discourage.

Maybe I made a mistake somehow somewhere.
I cried, felt upset and mad about it, but nothing changes.
I can only pray but I don’t exactly know what I want.
I feel so lost.

Lord, please be my guide.